Stinkomovies.Org

Oh. My. God. Can someone explain to me exactly how this movie escaped from the 80’s? Not only that, how did it escape my attention for so long? It was fucking horrible! But in the best way imaginable! Most of the movies that were parodied in Not Another Teen Movie were done in a completely over the top fashion, and having not seen Bring it On, I assumed it was the same. I was wrong. Very wrong. It is every bit as ridiculous as Not Another Teen Movie makes it out to be, if not more so.

As I sat watching the opening scene in complete disbelief, I wondered if the rest of the movie was inspiration for High School Musical. The unsuspecting viewer (ie. me…or you) is treated to a musical introduction to the Rancho Carne cheerleaders, more specifically the films’ main protagonist Torrance Shipman. The cheerleaders cheer their way through an asinine song about how they are pretty, popular and the most awesome thing at the school. Thankfully, we discover that it’s just a dream, as Torrance winds up naked in front of the whole school by the end of the scene. The movie improves from here. Only slightly, but an improvement nonetheless.

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Midnight Movies!!!! I think what I’m going to do is try to track down and review whatever the movie is for that particular month on my calendar. (Except for Killer Klowns, because that’s been on here for aaaaaages.) Shouldn’t be too hard. I’m just thrilled to have found such a cool calendar!

Sorry for the boring entry. I’m high on nail polish fumes and kinda hungry, and thinking about going to watch something.

I watched Evangelion 1.0 today, not sure how many of you have watched or are familiar with the Neon Genesis Evangelion series, but to cut a long story short, Evangelion 1.0 is squashing the story down into something resembling a movie. It ran for about 90 minutes and just felt rushed and a little confusing. It’s apparently the first of four movies, and they’ve added things and shuffled stuff around.

One of the things I really enjoyed about Evangelion was the pacing, and I really think that this was lost in this adaptation. I’ll reserve my final judgement for when the rest come out (no idea when), hopefully it will pull together nicely.

Well I think I got this movie (on a Jill Schoelen figurative boner) back in October, but I didn’t sit down and watch it until today. After watching the movie, my first thought was that this movie was so heavily plagiarised by American Pie that they might as well have just come out and said they were remaking Hot Moves. But then again, the amount of people who have seen Hot Moves versus those that haven’t is probably a large enough amount that the people responsible for American Pie figured they could get away with it. Kind of like the Coldplay/Satriani argument. But let’s not get started on that. We’ll be here all day.

Barry, Michael, Joey and Scotty are four young men with a problem. They only have the summer left before they start their senior year of high school, but they are still virgins - and they see this as a massive problem for their social development. Michael has a girlfriend, Julie Ann (Jill!), but she doesn’t seem to crash hot on the idea of having sex with him and is starting to get annoyed that it seems to be the only thing on his mind. Michael is annoyed too. He’s put in six months, and yet he still can’t get in her pants. Michael’s brother comes along with the somewhat promiscuous (putting it nicely) Heidi who seems to have taken a shine to Michael, and the guys think he’s crazy for not jumping at the chance to be with her.

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How did I spend the new year?? (Believe it or not, it’s actually site relevant.) Me, the boyfriend, a couple of other close friends, a black forest cake and a movie. It was quiet, but good. It sort of set an awesome tone for the year. Quietly productive. 2009 is going to be a big year for me. But before that, I’d like to share with you the last movie I watched in 2008. Zack and Miri Make a Porno.

I like Kevin Smith movies generally and I’ve managed to avoid the ones so far that I don’t think I would like. (Jersey Girl anyone?) But I loved this movie. Especially the scene above, which is probably the most awkward, painful and hilarious thing I’ve ever seen put to film. Even though he was only in the film for ten minutes, Justin Long completely stole the movie for me, and I still can’t think of his character without laughing my ass off. I must warn you all though, you do get to see a whole lot more of Mewes than you ever thought you would, and the movie also has that typical “Oh My God that’s effing gross” moment that seems to be in all Kevin Smith movies in some form or another.

Oddly enough though, I’m currently nursing a huge crush on Brandon Routh from watching that movie - he only had one scene and as a gay guy no less and I’m having trouble keeping my eyeballs in my head. I have seen Superman Returns, at least twice and he did nothing for me. Weird.

Watch Zack & Miri. It’s good.

I’ve been avoiding my site like it’s going to be mad at me or something!!!

Stinko will always love momma!!!

Righty-o. I’m at home today and it’s the weekend so I’ll be damned if I ain’t watching some Christmas crap today!!

Yes I know, days 5 & 6 are missing, but they are written and I’ll put them up tomorrow.

We went back to the markets today where DBF got all those DVD’s last time. I couldn’t help myself and picked some up this time as well!

Back to front L to R : Once Bitten, SCTV Box Set, Jack Frost 2, Bloody Murder, Bloody Murder 2. $33 for all of them!

aaaand…

L to R : Invasion of the Saucer Men, Dolly Dearest & The Beast Must Die. $13 for all three!

I feel totally satisfied now that I have blown some money on some B-Movie Badness.

Is a fucking break dudes!

In case you haven’t noticed, I haven’t updated the main page for December, and eveen though I know I should I can’t bring myself to do it because there is that little that I actually want to buy this December. WTF!? It’s Christmas people! The busiest retail time of the year and you fuckers have put out diddly squat for me to buy.

No Hanna Barbera Christmas Specials and NO new, decent, much needed releases of great 80’s flicks!!! Where is Blood Diner? Rockula? The In Crowd? Modern Girls? Heavy Metal Summer? I can keep going here.

Fuck you DVD Distributors. Help me help the economy. I don’t need another copy of A Christmas Story or Evil Dead II.

/end rant.

I caught the end of the Scream Awards on the SciFi channel the other day, and as soon as I realised what it was, I got super excited. They had this awesome humungous creepy looking set, and even though it was almost over, I was thrilled that it was still on and planned on taping the repeat.

Then reality hit me like a bucket of vomit in the face when I realised it was hosted by the lead singer of My Chemical Romance. Next came the nominees for “The Ultimate Scream". They consisted of Cloverfield, The Dark Knight (which won), Hellboy 2 and Iron Man. I shit you not.

While I was still picking my jaw up off the floor for a complete lack of horror movies nominated for “The Ultimate Scream", we were then treated to a preview trailer for Watchmen. Then it dawned on me that I wasn’t watching a horror movie awards ceremony, but rather a 2 hour geek jack off special. I’m a geek, I love comic books. I love comic book movies. But I take my horror flicks very seriously. And right about now I wanted to headbutt my coffee table.

I guess that’s because I was completely spoiled by Universal’s Horror Hall of Fame Awards from 1989-1991. I spent an entire Sunday a few weeks back watching them back to back, and even though the third one was pretty much just recycled pieces of the first two awards shows it still shat all over Spike’s Scream Awards.

Three words, Robert Fucking Englund.

He hosted all three, along with a little help from the Cryptkeeper himself for the second year, and the show inducted many great films and personalities into the “Horror Hall of Fame", such as the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Bela Lugosi and Roger Corman. Horror make up and special effects segments were also hosted by Steve Johnson and then wife Linnea Quigley. Overall a great concept, and could still be handled very well if resurrected (pun) today. I mean, who is going to induct Bruce Campbell into the Horror Hall of Fame now? Mutha should be running that joint by now.

*Just a little footnote, I yoinked that pic without permission from X-E, cos I’m at work right now. I’ll replace with my own screenie once I get home.

Willy/Milly
Milly is annoyed whenever her mom tells her to behave more appropriate for a girl. She’s just not interested in fancy dresses or prom dances. Some day her best friend’s little brother offers her a potion which can make her deepest wish come true during a solar eclipse. She goes through with it and ends up with male genitals, additionally. So she has to decide if she wants to life as boy or girl. Her father, who always wanted a son, supports her in checking out life as a boy. Hence Milly changes school and starts out as Willy.

I remember seeing this one on the shelf at the video store back when I was a rental gal. It piqued my interest slightly, but I never ended up getting it. It’s got the chick from Grease 2, and the Gate II, and now Californication. I want to like that show, but just can’t bring myself to. But I’m like that with all shows.

Sticky Fingers
Hattie and Lolly are trying to find jobs as musicians. One of them plays the cello and the other the violin. They have very little money, not even enough to pay the rent. One day a friend who happens to be a drug dealer, asks them to mind a mysterious bag. When the girls discover a large sum of cash inside the bag they decide that it wouldn’t hurt to borrow some, except that their little loans start to get out of control…

Helen Slater. She’s exactly like Jill Schoelen to me. Unconventionally attractive and I have to own everything that she has done. Can’t eactly figure out why I like her, but I do. Even enough to buy, watch and review Happy Together.

Oversexed Rugsuckers from Mars
Naked little clay-mation aliens come down to Earth with a simple dream: to make humans and vacuum cleaners get it on. All goes well until a vacuum suddenly comes to life, strangles its lovers with its cord, and sucks all the blood out of their bodies.

I was going to purchase this on DVD, but now after seeing the screenshots I’m glad I attained it via other means. I’m still very willing to give it a go though, just glad I didn’t shell out for the DVD. Which raises the question: Why is this on DVD, but STILL no Modern Girls??

Trick or Treats
Five years after his wife, Joan, had him wrongfully and delibarately committed to a mental institution so she could live with her boyfriend, Malcolm escapes on Halloween night and arrives back at his old house to murder her, except Joan is not home but she’s out with her boyfriend while babysitter Linda is looking after Malcolm’s 10-year-old son Christopher, an equally psychotic and demented practical joker until, under cover of darkness, Malcolm shows up and begins a real terror game of attrition with Linda.

I love slashers. Slashers with babysitters. Nuff said.

Sweet 16
A beautiful lonely girl named Melissa tries to make new friends from a town she’s currently living in. The only problem is, each of the boys that she spends time with end up brutally murdered. Her sixteenth birthday is on the way, but Melissa turns out to be a suspect when it seems she’s the last person who has seen her boyfriends alive.

For some reason I keep getting this movie and Happy Birthday to me mixed up in my head. Must be the name Melissa.

While I’m been a fan of 80’s movies for a very long time, I think I can actually pinpoint Re-Animator as being the catalyst for my B-Movie obsession. I own this exact DVD (along with the millenium edition and the special edition with the syringe highlighter). It was actually my first EVER eBay purchase. I paid way too much for it - I think it was $45 AUD, but I had to have it, and quite honestly due to the sentimental value if my house was on fire and I had to save this DVD or my rabbit, it would be a tough choice. I’m joking, in case you didn’t realise, but I do love my DVD.

It was the first purchase I remember making that I was truly proud of. I’m not sure if that was because I was so new at eBay and I actually felt a sense of accomplishment by outbidding someone, or the fact that this movie at the time wasn’t available in Australia at all, but my Anchor Bay Re-Animator just felt special.

Warm fuzzies aside, it is a damn good movie too. It was originally suggested to me by an old friend/ex boyfriend/something or other and being that my taste in movies was pretty close to his, I went with it and I’m glad I did. I’m not going to go into details and review it here (that actually might happen later), but it did spark my major crush on Dr Dan (aka Bruce Abbot, but pssh just deed poll it to Dr Dan already) and an immense appreciation for Barbara Cramptons boobs. And Herbert West? He is one awesomely creepy motherfucker.

The movie has spawned two sequels, the super awesome Bride of Re-Animator and the still quite noteworthy but not as cool Beyond Re-Animator. If you haven’t seen them, watch them, and appreciate the greatness of Brian Yuzna’s warped vision of life after death.

The other half and I had a brief conversation this morning about how it doesn’t seem fair that some words in the English language have their literal meaning ignored in favour of a more derogatory form of interpretation, and thus people get offended by it.

Case in point for me is the word “retard". I use this word regularly, along with ‘tard, or ‘tarded. It’s funny. But I don’t use it to imply that myself, or the person I am speaking about resembles a disabled person. Most people immediately take offense to the word, believing you are likening yourself to someone with disabilities because you’ve done something stupid. This is so not the case and I think it’s terrible that people choose to look at the word that way.

One of my best friends in the world is classed as disabled, and she is one of the smartest and most amazing women I have ever known. I would never use any term to belittle her condition or highlight her disabilities.

Retard
–verb (used with object)
1. to make slow; delay the development or progress of (an action, process, etc.); hinder or impede.
–verb (used without object)
2. to be delayed.
–noun
3. a slowing down, diminution, or hindrance, as in a machine.

The literal meaning of the word ‘retarded’ is pretty much just ’stunted’. It’s entirely possible that if your thought train was ’stunted’ that you might say or do something slightly less intelligent than what you would normally do. It does not mean that you immediately believe that all people with diminished mental or physical capacities beyond their control are lesser human beings. It’s just a word, usually said in jest about someone being foolish. The stigma that has become attached to it is what makes me really sad.

Disabled people are beautiful, wonderful, smart caring people who deserve the same respect, if not more than most of us. They are most definitely NOT retards, but I wish the same could be said for a lot of people who are in full control of all their faculties.

I’ve decided that I’m going to post at least one entry for every day in December. I’m a lazy ass sometimes and I need to kick it up a gear if I want to keep people coming back to my little corner of the interwebs.

I’m sure this is destined for EPIC FAIL by day four, but what the hell, I’m gonna go for it. I was also going to be so bold as to suggest a Christmas B-Movie theme for December. (Also destined for large amounts of fail). I’ll give it my best half-assed shot though, you have my word.

I tell you what, I’m crabby today because I came to the realisation that there are a lot of rude assholes out there that put other people down to make themselves feel better. Nothing has happened to me personally, but everywhere you go on the internet you see people bagging on other people’s shit. You might be thinkin’ “Duh Karen, did you just think of that?", and I guess I did…but the thing is that I’ve known for a long time but stupidly wanted to believe there was some good in everyone. The conclusion that I have come to now is that there must be a lot of people who are really unhappy.

Having a little known blog in some far off dusty corner of the internet affords me the luxury of being able to write what I want and not have anyone post anything at all, thus eliminating any chance of anyone posting something negative. I get do get a lot of views, but I don’t really say anything worthy of being for or against so I can handle that. Part of me wants my site to get bigger and more well known, but then again I’m pretty happy living in this little corner being little seen but never responded to. I can stick my head in the sand.

IMDB is a nightmare. It seems like no one has anything nice to say at all, and people argue over the stupidest things for the lame title of “being right on the internet". I run a site that specifically targets movies of lesser quality, yet I can usually always find something redeeming about them (almost all of them). I wish more people could just not hit that post button, and decide instead to go look at a page for a movie that they love, and ignore the people who don’t.

I’m going to make sure I go out of my way to help and be nice to people between now and Christmas, and not expect anything at all in return. I know I’ll feel good about what I’m doing, even if I am the only one who knows. Maybe if everyone was randomly kind to someone else in their day, we’d all be a bit happier.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled inane bullshit programming.

(My ipod keeps scaring the shit out of me, because I’m alone in the office and Toto’s Africa keeps sounding like someone is jangling keys behind me.)

Holy crap. I think I’m getting old. You know how old people always wonder where the year went? That’s me RIGHT NOW. Someone help me please. Or hand me my walker, a blankie and something warm to drink.

I’m procrastinating on my December Update because there is seriously fuck all to write about.

Damn it, I had all this stuff I wanted to write about, and now I can’t think of any of it.

HOLY SHIT

It’s senility for sure.

I *AM* old!!

Rock & Roll High School Forever
This one is as obvious as anything. It’s actually a fucking travesty that I don’t own one of these posters yet. I have been this movie’s most outspoken advocate for many many years now, and if you haven’t seen it, I suggest you track it down (cheap cheap on DVD), and bask in it’s awesomeness. But yes, the poster. I like this one because it accurately portrays just how cool Corey Feldman is. Not that reality TV show making-lost boys sequel starring Feldman, but the REAL Feldog. The one we left behind in the 80’s. He’s so freaking badass with the guitar and the burning school in the background. Effin aye. I think it’s time for a little large appliance worship.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Seriously, I couldn’t hate enough on the TV show. Crap crap crappity crap. But the movie? OMG Awesome. But I gotta say, as much as I love Kristy Swanson and Luke Perry and his chin pubes in the theatrical poster, this poster wins for me. It’s no secret around here how much I find Kristy Swanson drooltastic in a girl-crush kinda way so it seems odd I’d go for this generic kinda poster. *shrug* I need this on my wall. I’m just worried that someone will mistake me for a fan of the TV show. ick. The movie had an element of fun to it that I thought was severely lacking the the TV show. Plus, I’d lay a fiver on the fact that Kristy Swanson could completely kick Sarah Michelle Gellar’s ass. Please direct all hate mail to suckmyballs@yomama.com

Modern Girls
I loved absolutely everything about this movie so I nearly crapped my pants when I saw this incredibly awesome old comic style movie poster. I can’t gush enough about how underrated this movie is. That being said, I think this poster would look incredibly stylish amongst my collection, ALTHOUGH I must say that I would probably have preferred a poster with Clayton Rohner. Preferably in underpants. Mmm. Cliffy. How on earth was this man so damn hot in the 80s?

Rockula
OMGWTF *splutter* EXPLODE. If I were to possess a left nut, I’d gladly offer it up in a trade for this very poster. I think it’s german, but considering this film was buried from day one (and no, that’s not a bad vampire pun - or is it? ), it warms my heart to know something like this exists and it will be mine, oh yes. It will be mine. Ohh Rockula, I dream of the day I will hold you in my hands in DVD format. You peeps out there just don’t realize how great this movie is. I actually have managed to get my hands on a promotional still with Ralph and Mona, but other than that. Nothing. *sigh*

My Name Is Bruce
K, I don’t really have much to say on this one, except that I want a giant version of Bruce Campbell’s manly chin of my dreams on my wall for my viewing pleasure. Plus, I find this poster slightly Shaun of the Dead-ish. And that is damn cool.

*Yes I know it was a teaser poster that never got produced, but a gal can dream right??

I just had a really good look through my movie collection and I must say that I am both completely floored by the sheer amount of crap I have, and utterly ashamed that I have fallen so far behind on both my reviewing and watching and I’m not sharing all this awesomeness with you guys!

I seem to have fallen into the habit of just acquiring these movies (wishlist or otherwise) and just sitting on them (not physically of course, that would be stupid). I’ve become a hoarder, a collector when my goal was simply to share. For that my one or two readers, I am truly sorry.

However, I am excited because after much frustration and monitor headbutting I have created a random movie generator to help me pick the crap I’m going to watch and review for your reading pleasure (and also to force me to watch that which I deem unwatchable…).

Here’s hoping it works eh?

Darling BF picked up all of these on our latest trip to the markets, for a mere $60. Look at those titles! I’m so proud of him! I admit, I only bought nail polish (although lets not discuss that here - we’ll be here all day), but I did carry around Bloody Murder 1 & 2 and Jack Frost 2 for a while, before deciding against them in favour of a freebie from CG *snicker*.

He got Deadly Cargo, Gargoyles, Riding the Bullet, Phone, Wrestlemaniac, Man-Thing, 2001 Maniacs, The Funhouse, The Day The World Ended and Unrest.

So far, he’s only watched Deadly Cargo (which is a Spanish film with hard coded English subs) which was an alright movie but kind of lost it towards the end, and Gargoyles, which is his words was a filthy turd with no redeeming qualities what so ever. I’m so proud of him for sitting through it! (Now I want to watch it).

In other news, Scarlet Johannsens boobs are 24 today. WTF?! She’s 24 and a hot millionaire and I’m 26 and a geek with a b-movie blog. *sigh* life is so cruel. I’m off to go watch some anime. Uhh, I mean do something totally cool. I’m not watching anime. Really.